🎙️ HELLOOOOO, TROLLBALL FANATICS! 🎙️

 

Grab your crutches and clear your vision, because Week 8 is in the books and the regular season has officially bled out! I’m your host, Nok the Corrupter, and if you aren’t covered in mud, mead, or someone else's teeth, you clearly weren't watching! We are standing on the precipice of the playoffs, and the carnage is reaching a fever pitch that would make even my absent boss, Lord Orzalon, chuckle from his cell! 🏟️💀

 

🍻 THE DRUNKEN DYNASTY AND THE EIGHT-POINT EXPLOSION!

 

The prize for the most magnificent mess goes to the Kerlauger Runeguard! In an OPEN BAR match that would have made Pirate Prince Rory look like a choir boy, the Runeguard decimated the New Prosperity Profits 8 to 1! 🏺 Lorilee Aldred and Lon Gabriell were hitting shots while seeing quadruple, proving that a little ale is the best medicine for accuracy! Poor Krueger Jacinthe tried to play hero for the Profits, but when you're that drunk, the only thing you're taking over is the bathroom stall. A total breakdown of guild discipline, and I loved every staggering second of it!

 

Similarly, over at the Stronghold Bailey, the Oread's Summit Tamers put on a masterclass of mountain-man mayhem! In another alcohol-fueled frenzy, they shut out the New Ravenfall Commanders 2 to 0. Alwyn Wandy heaved a shot through the goal that silenced the castle crowd faster than one of Sir Tanos' sad little poems! 🏰 I suspect the Commanders were too busy practicing their synchronized chants to realize that Swamy Ahasuerus was stealing the ball—and their dignity! 🍺🥴

 

⏳ OVERTIME AGONY AND HEROIC HUMILIATION!

 

We had a real humdinger in the bay! The Tortell Privateers plundered a 6 to 4 victory over the Greenwatch in a heart-stopping overtime session! 🚢 I almost choked on my own laughter when Lilithe Royce absolutely leveled Madea Mensch—leech-powered legs for the win! The Greenwatch players spend so much time wiggling their fingers at trees that they forgot a leather troll head moves faster than a growing oak. It’s a crackerjack of a victory for the pirates, and a embarrassing day for the Wardens!

 

Speaking of the Wardens, their favorites Oak & Onslaught actually managed to win 6 to 3 against the Starlight Bazaar Bizarres. 🎭 Sir Randy was likely in the stands with his FANCY bow, probably looking for a target that wasn't a player. It’s a shame the Bizarres were too busy striking poses for the troupe to notice Millham Evangeline sinking two-pointers like they were copper coins in a well. If only Pompei Hephzipa's posing could block a goal!

 

💀 THE SHUTOUT CIRCLE: COLD EYES AND CLOSED BASKETS

 

Shutouts were the fashion of the week! The Southport Narwhals sent the Brimstone Fire Eaters home with zero points and a lot of sea-spray-soaked bandages. Malcolm Goer was a one-man wrecking crew, clearing a path through those Su'akour boys like a plow through a graveyard! 🌊 And let’s not forget the Zmeigorod Snessengers, who rode their wave of bandwagon popularity to a 4 to 0 win over the New Monteforte Chaos Creatures. The 'Chaos' was mostly the Creatures knocking themselves out while the Snessengers moved like greased lightning! 🐍

 

Even the Confluence Captains got in on the action, shutting out the Desert Spectres 2 to 0. Belding Chloe’s pre-game ritual of pit-rubbing the ball clearly paid off—the Spectres couldn't get near her without gagging! 🏀🏜️

 

💔 HEARTBREAK FOR THE PRIDE OF THE PIT

 

Now, for the tragedy of the week. My beloved Ebon Gate Corruptors suffered a narrow 3 to 2 loss against the Wyrmwood Stronghammers. 🌋 Simsar Carrelli was a beast, but even a demon can be tripped up by tangled vines and a well-timed interception from Rebane Kendy. It’s a dark day in the pit, wretches! I expect the team to spend the next week polishing their maces and practicing their loudest belches in preparation for the postseason!

 

And speaking of dark days, the Haven Lights won a 4 to 2 game against the South Pole Yetis. 🤮 It’s sickening to see those shiny do-gooders succeed, even if Shiroma Salim did show some surprisingly decent violence. I suppose even a 'hero' can get lucky when the opposing team is fighting freezing rain and howling wolves! Keep your shiny shields, boys; you're going to need them when the REAL hitting starts in the playoffs!

 

The regular season is finished, the healers are exhausted, and Cinnemon is probably still trying to teach a troll how to read! This is Nok the Corrupter, signing off! Remember: if you're not bleeding, you're not trying! GOODNIGHT, OSTERRA! 🎙️👹